


Drunk Texts

by Spideypoolhell



Category: Deadpool - Fandom, MCU, Marvel, Spiderman - Fandom, spiderpool - Fandom, spideypool - Fandom
Genre: Comics, Drunk Peter, M/M, My two favourite things, Oh joy, Peter gets drunk, Spiderman Deadpool comics, Spiderpool - Freeform, Spideypool - Freeform, and spideypool texting, and texts Wade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 14:49:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6524557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spideypoolhell/pseuds/Spideypoolhell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter gets drunk and texts Wade. Takes place in the Spiderman Deadpool comics universe. Short, cute, fluffy, one-shot.</p><p>Some fic to help you as you pine for issue #4!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunk Texts

**Author's Note:**

> I love that Spiderman gives Deadpool his number in the comics. Do you think Deadpool would send him silly texts all the time? God, I hope so.
> 
> Also that spider tracer lie detector from issue #3 is Spideypool GOLD! Why don't more people write about that? 
> 
> Here's something to quell your beating hearts as you wait for issue #4 coming out this Wednesday
> 
> I feel like Wade's texts would have waaaay more emojis but I'm going to make this easier to read for ya'll

Peter Parker got home and slammed the door. It was late, it had been a particularly trying and exhausting day at the office. Just another day in the life of a CEO, Peter sometimes wondered why he had chosen this career path littered with piles of corporate bullshit. He walked into his kitchen and found a bottle of bubbly, white wine. He opened it and didn't even bother pouring himself a glass. He drank as deeply as he could, straight from the bottle. He made his way to his couch and nested there.

An hour went by, Peter didn't do anything except drink and think. Almost all of the bottle was gone and Peter realized he was drunk off his tits. He felt his phone vibrate and checked it.

Deadpool:  
Hey Spidey, sup? Where you at bat cat?

'This is going to be fun,' thought Spidey, 'just what I need, my favourite outlet for hostile childishness,'

Spiderman:  
Not going out  
I'm drunk  
And they say you should drink and drive  
Shouldn't

Deadpool:  
OMG  
I've hit the crackpot!  
Drunk Spidey! YES! I've dreamed of this for so long  
Drunk text me  
Anything you wanna talk about? ;)

Spiderman:  
No  
Yes  
I want to congratulate you Wade  
For trying to be a better man

Deadpool:  
Aw, shucks, <3 <3 <3 c; =D ILU

Peter quirked an eyebrow, lying across his couch on his stomach, wine bottle forgotten on the floor. He needed to make this more interesting.

Spiderman:  
However  
Sometimes I wonder if this is all an elaborate attempt of yours to diddle my dingle dongle

Deadpool:  
YOUR DINGLE HOO wHAT?  
LMFAOOOooooomg!!!#HAHAHAHAHAAA

Peter was giggling madly and rolling around on the couch. This was too much fun.

Spiderman:  
I just want to remind you that you're married  
And that any possibility of us ever happening died a long time ago  
Along with any last shred of your gayness  
You faux mo

DEADPOOL:  
WHAT THE  
WHAT  
WhaTTT  
WHAAAAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?! POSSIBILITY??@?@?@ WHAT POSSIBILITY?!!?!?!?!?!

Spiderman:  
Drunnk spdermn  
Thas was happening byitch

Peter was laughing hysterically into a pillow and pounding the couch with his hand.

Deadpool:  
Oh my gaawwd, where have you been all my life drunk Spidey?  
I need to show you just how gay I am fo you, babydoll!

Spiderman:  
Well you can't, married man  
S'cool, I know your flirts were all just lies like everything else that flies out of your moth  
But y'know if they weren't  
We'll never know what could have been  
We could have had something beautiful

Peter was crying he was laughing so hard. He was imagining Deadpool's brain exploding.

Deadpool:  
Whut  
Omg  
No  
Way  
Is this real?  
Noo fucking way

Spiderman:  
Who cares you married someone else  
Hate you forever now bye

Peter actually did feel an extraordinary rage towards Deadpool ever since he got married. He would have pondered it longer if he wasn't so drunk.

Deadpool:  
Oh fuck  
Are you filled with jealousy, anger and resentment bc I married someone else? IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!!!  
Or maybe you are just fucking with me  
But this is drunk Spidey. WWDSD?  
But what if this is all lies? But what if it's all truths thinly veiled with sarcasm and sass? What if this is a real drunken love confession?  
OooooOHH MY GAD SPIDEY LOVES ME

Spiderman:  
Don't flatter yourself bucko  
Stop acting like it matters  
You made your choice  
Got outta my lif  
Dont wanna see your steps face ever gain  
Stupid face

Peter was grinning like a maniac. Yes, he could thwart Deadpool's recent invasion of his life by playing the jilted potential lover in need of space. Why didn't he think of this before?

Deadpool:  
Fuck  
I made a huge fucking mistake  
I never thought  
I'd ever  
Have a chance with you  
Well now you're getting it

Peter wasn't expecting that response. He frowned.

Spiderman:  
You can't be serious  
I'm momnogamihs man  
Monogamous  
N there's no way you'd ever quit the P & T for the D & A

Deadpool:  
Oh baby for that A  
And that D  
Oh for that sweet sweet A & D  
I would quit eveeeerythiing  
Anything and anyone

This conversation had turned a little too romantic to be funny anymore, albeit as romantic as Wade could be in his own dirty, raunchy way. Peter started to sweat.

Spiderman:  
Listen fool  
You pursued someone else  
I'll never trust you  
Your a dick  
A married dick 

Deadpool:  
Please tell me this isn't all sarcastic spidey jokes

Of course it was, but Peter still wanted to toy with him. He should have just shut him down, he was forgetting his reasoning or motivation behind any of this. It felt good though, somehow it felt good to torture Wade like Deadpool had always tortured Spiderman; always wondering if he really, truly cared about him or if it was just another act. Peter spent too many nights thinking about whether or not Wade wanted to kiss him or if he was just trying to mess with his head and it made Peter so, so angry. He hated him.

Spiderman:  
Am I a sarcastic drink or a slutty drum? Maybe both? Am intelling the truth? Who knows?  
The mystery will torture your forever  
Drunk  
But u  
Still married  
Which is why I can say  
IVE BEEN A NAUGHTY SPIDER AND I NEED TO BE WEBBED AND SPANKED  
COME HERE AND CUM IN ME  
MAKE ME SHOOT MY WEBS ALL OVER YOU  
and it doesn't matter one fig

Peter was starting to feel very weird. What started out as a game now felt like some fucked up sexting that was half lies and half truths. He was still having fun tormenting Deadpool since the man constantly tormented him. Well now he had flipped the tables, hadn't he? Of course, Spidey was neck deep in his own bullshit and about to drown.

Deadpool:  
I'M COMING FOR YOU SPIDEY  
I'M GETTING A DIVORCE RIGHT NOW!!!  
WAIT FOR ME BABY!  
I NEED YOUR WEBS ALL OVER ME  
I SWEAR I ALWAYS WANTED YOU MY SWEET SEXY SPIDER  
SHE WAS JUST A DISTRACTION FROM THE COLD LONELY NIGHTS  
I ONLY EVER LOVED YOU  
I'M CUMMING TO COME IN YOU

Spiderman:  
Say waist  
What  
There's no way  
You'd quit guaranteed hell pussy  
For the questionable anus of a drunk sexually ambiguous spideram  
Who is probably lying to you anyway bc why would he tell you anything about how he really feels, not Like he's some drunk lonely creep pathetically harts zing you for his own jollies nope  
Harassing 

Peter was starting to feel really, really, bad.

Deadpool:  
I can't live with the possibility that maybe I had a shot with you  
Fuck, there isn't a lot I wouldn't give up just to have a night with you  
I'll never stop wondering if i don't try  
How wonderful it would have been  
To have you as my spazzy spider spouse instead  
Who is so much more fun than anyone  
And that sweet, beautiful anus  
I want you to pathetically harass me for life  
Creep on me  
I want your jollies

Spiderman:  
Ok I think this game is getting a little out of hand  
Wade I'm just a drunk botch  
Bitch  
Please don't think about me  
Like ever

Peter crushed his face into his hands. What the fuck had he been thinking when he began this anyway?

Deadpool:  
I'm never going to stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I try. Sure, I can forget what it's like to be around you when I don't see you for a long time, but every single time I see you it's like WHAM! A pile of love bricks crushes me and it never fails to surprise me or screw me the fuck up. 

Spiderman:  
Wade  
Don't  
End your margin becaus of me  
Marriage  
Or any other reason than you are unhappy  
Every relationship requires a lot o work  
One with me would demand more work than either of us could handle  
Listen  
I think  
You deserve to be happy  
But I don't see how that could ever happen with me

Deadpool:  
I'm so in love with you right now it's crazy

Spiderman:  
What no

Deadpool:  
Too late Spidey  
You just had to dangle your metaphorical carrot in front of me  
And now I'm going for it  
You think my flirting was all some act? You have no fucking clue  
How many times I would have fucked your brains out by now  
If I had known sooner  
That you just didn't think I was really serious when I flirted with you or wasn't gay for your immaculate ass or some other stupid shit  
And even if it's just a game  
Well you're playing it now  
And it seems to me like you are finding this all a little too entertaining

Peter gulped down his last sips of wine, head and heart pounding. He put his phone down and went to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. This was all getting a little too intense, the last text from Deadpool in particular was giving him weird feelings in his nether regions which scared the ever loving fuck out of him. Why was the thought of Deadpool being serious about him making him feel all hot? He didn't want to play this game anymore. He looked at his phone to find new messages:

Deadpool:  
That sweet beautiful ass  
What I wouldn't do for a piece of that  
I am going to give that ass the proper love and attention it deserves  
Going to take you to the brink and then fuck your ass so sweetly, so slowly  
That you burst into tears  
From pleasure and frustration  
Right before I fuck you so roughly  
That you scream louder and cum harder than you thought humanly possible  
Oh and that is just one of many, many hundreds of ways  
I'm going to make you cum 

Peter gulped. His dick twitched angrily. Oh dear god.

Deadpool:  
I should probably not fuck this up with you by acting like a disloyal husband before I get divorced  
So I'm not gonna sext you  
No matter how badly I want to  
Because I want you to trust me  
More than anything  
Like so fucking badly  
You have no idea  
All I want is to know who you really are  
I don't think I can chat right now without mentioning how much I need to finger bang you  
So I'm gonna wait to talk to you again until I get this divorce thing done  
WAIT FOR ME MY LOVE <3 <3 <3 <3 8========D~~~~~~~~~~ thwip thwip  
Wish me luck! Can't wait to kiss you once I'm single

Peter froze, looking at nothing, not sure what the fuck he had just caused. He thought about never texting or seeing Deadpool again, maybe he could disappear somehow. He didn't want to text him back but he couldn't help writing:

Spiderman:  
Are you fucking serious?

Deadpool:  
I'm more serious than I have ever been about anything  
You should be very scared  
And very, very horny

Peter was pale and frozen with terror because he was.

Two weeks later Peter had still not heard back from Deadpool. He refused to text him or admit he was curious if Deadpool had actually gone through with the divorce and become single for him. Maybe Wade had just decided to mind fuck him right back by pretending to be serious and got him all riled up for nothing. 

Spiderman was leaning over a rooftop balcony at midnight, already bored from his nightly patrol. There were a few hanging planters on the ledges. Peter plucked a daisy and actually started to tear off the petals one by one, willing his mind to say 'he loves me not' with every rip of the flower. He couldn't believe Wade hadn't tried contacting him at all, he thought about how he should feel happy and victorious to be rid of him but he really just felt sad and bored. 

That was when he heard his voice.

“Spidey! Baby! I've been looking everywhere for you!” Deadpool stood on the opposite side of the roof and Spiderman jumped, startled that he was in such a foggy state that his spider sense hadn't even kicked in.

Spiderman jumped on the ledge and was about to swing away.

“WAIT! Spidey! Please, hear me out! I won't even move, I just want to talk, OK?” Wade had both his hands up in surrender, Peter didn't say anything, he was perched on the edge of the balcony staring at Wade with wide bug-eyes.

“Look,” Wade lifted up a little silver spider tracer, “it's your lie detector. I'll wear it as long as it takes you to trust me OK? Except it doesn't work-” Wade got shocked all over his body, “I was lying to prove a point, it does work,” Spiderman realized he had never taken back that spider tracer, it just kind of got left on Wade.

“Listen, I” Deadpool was fidgeting nervously and looked down, “I got a divorce, and let me tell you, dumping the queen of hell was no easy feat. I got stabbed at least a thousand times as part of our terms for separation. Anyway, more importantly... I'm in love with you,” Their white eyes stared at each other and neither of them knew what to say. 

Spiderman broke the ice, “You really got stabbed a THOUSAND times?!” he asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” Deadpool laughed halfheartedly and rubbed his neck, “it sucked, among other things I don't wanna talk about...”

“That... BITCH!” Spiderman spat with fury.

“Oh, Spidey,” Wade walked over to Spiderman but Spidey put a hand up before Wade could touch him.

“Give me that spider tracer... You told me the truth so I'll do the same,” Peter hopped down from his crouching stance and took the little silver device from Wade and put it on his shoulder.

“Wade, that whole night I sent you those messages I was just drunk and joking,” there were a few breathless moments as it dawned on Wade this was the truth, “I'm not in love with you, Wade,” in less than a second Spiderman was flat on his ass writhing in pain from the electric currents running through his body.

Wade was laughing and crying with joy, “oh my god, you do love me!” he wanted to hug Spidey but he also didn't want to get electrocuted.

“NO!” Spiderman got jolted around again, “I'm not- I can't-” more electricity caused him blinding pain. He had to rethink how powerful he made those spider tracer lie detectors. Instead of saying anything Spiderman just wept.

Deadpool got on his knees in front of Spiderman and bent over him, trying to pet his back and soothe him, “shhh, it's okay, I'm here now and I'm all yours,” he kissed his head and Spiderman just curled into a ball, weeping into his hands.

“Shoot me in the face,” Peter sobbed.

“Right here right now? Shit baby, you're kinky,” Deadpool made a motion to undo his pants.

“No, I mean kill me because I want to die,” Spiderman whispered dramatically. He wasn't electrocuted.

“Aww, babe, that's the truth, eh? Well, let me take you to heaven then,” Deadpool leaned down to kiss Spiderman's masked mouth with his. Spiderman didn't move his lips, he just lied there motionless, feeling dead inside. 

Deadpool sighed and stood up while lifting Spiderman in his arms to carry him away, “and they all lived happily ever after! Let's get married!” 

'I do NOT want to marry you!” the electric currents zapped Spiderman but affected them both and they fell down and apart.

“Fuck my life,” Spiderman cried.

“Oh my god, marriage already? Spidey... I love you... I've loved you for so long... I was an idiot to not act on it sooner... Kiss me?” Deadpool sat across from him looking and sounding vulnerable.

Spiderman was tired of running away from his feelings and getting the life fried out of him, “I don't know why I'm in love with you. I hate you, you drive me fucking crazy,” his bitter tone made Wade Wilson's heart melt.

“You're so hot when you're angry,” Deadpool took out his gun with the rubber bullets and lifted it to Spiderman's face, touching the muzzle to his forehead, Spiderman didn't even flinch.

“Well, if I'm going to send you to heaven can I at least know what your name is and what your face looks like?” Deadpool was extremely happy, unlike Spiderman who was the opposite.

“Peter Parker,” Spiderman said while taking off his mask to reveal his brown hair and eyes and tear stained face. Deadpool gasped.

“YOU'RE PETER PARKER?!” Deadpool was stunned, “oh shit, well isn't this just fucking crazy....” Deadpool hardened his gaze and brushed the gun across Peter's forehead to his temple, down his face and poked it under his jaw, “tell me Peter Parker, CEO of Parker Industries, what the fuck are all those human lab experiments all about?” Deadpool sounded dangerous and it caught Peter off guard.

“What... Are you talking about?” Peter had no idea, he didn't get shocked so Wade knew he was telling the truth. Wade sighed and dropped his gun.

“You really don't know? We'll sort that out soon, but first, kiss, kiss bang, bang!” Wade lifted his mask above his lips and pursed them.

Peter sighed, “well, I guess one kiss before death couldn't-” he was cut off by Wade's lips pressing against his. He couldn't even stop himself from kissing him back passionately, Wade grabbed his hair and tilted his head and he gasped as his mouth was tenderly invaded by Wade's tongue. A moan escaped him and he silently cursed himself. Soon their arms were wrapped around each other while kissing madly.

Peter tore them apart, “well that.. was better than I ever thought it would be,” he said shocked. Deadpool just made an mmm sound in response and kissed him again.

**Author's Note:**

> I would LOOOOVE it if someone wanted to continue this story with a sentence or a paragraph in the comments, pleeeease?
> 
> Any writers want to do some collaborative Spideypool storytelling?


End file.
